Extent
of the Problem
“I’ve started to understand
why my father feels the way he does. My dad is a great person but
he still shows the scars from when he was abused when he was growing
up. Alcoholism is a big problem in this country and it effects many
people other than the alcoholic—the children, the spouses and
the friends are all sucked into the problem.”
Anonymous
“When
my dad was drinking heavily he once threatened to blow my mother’s
head off. Somehow he had gotten his gun and locked himself in the
bathroom. Me and my sister were downstairs and heard everything.”
Anonymous
“I
hated her for being the way she was. I did not think it was fair to
have a mother who could not remember her own daughter’s name.”
Anonymous
“The problem is
that when she’s not drinking she’s the best mother. When
I see her drinking I block it out and think of what she’s like
when she’s not drunk.”
Anonymous
Alcoholism affects more people than just the alcoholic. It has the
potential to destroy the basic fabric of family life. And, recent
research indicates that many of your peers come from families that
have experienced some difficulties with alcohol or other drug use.
Results of the 1997-1998 Core Alcohol and Drug Survey indicate:
- 5 percent of college students have a mother with some alcohol or
other drug-related problem
- 15 percent of college students have a father with some alcohol or
other drug-related problem
- 12.1 percent of college students have a maternal grandparent with
some alcohol or other drug-related problem
- 11.4 percent of college students have a paternal grandparent with
some alcohol or other drug-related problem
- 25 percent of college students have an aunt or uncle with some alcohol
or other drug-related problem
- 9.8 percent of college students have a brother or sister with some
alcohol or other drug-related problem49
These were the students who were able to identify the problems as
related to alcohol or other drugs. Based on my interaction with students,
I’m sure many more are experiencing similar situations but have
not identified them as related to alcohol or other drug use.
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Unspoken
Rules
“Shame,
embarrassment, humiliation, guilt, anger, hurt, disappointment ...
and on and on. I experienced it all.”
Kevin W., Keene State College senior
“There
were so many secrets and difficulties with feelings. I never got to
know my real SELF. (You know what I mean?) All of these problems were
in our family and here I am now trying to cope with them.”
Anonymous
“I was never told what to feel. I was told to
stop feeling. Instead of talking about our disagreements we would
‘forget’ about them.”
Anonymous
“My
mother hit me but I went out on the date anyway. I had a black eye
and bruises and as an excuse I told my friends I was in a football
game with my brother.”
Anonymous
“I lied to my father about my mother’s
drinking. I don’t know if I ever forgave myself for covering
up for her. I wonder that maybe if I told my father the truth he would
have made her get help.”
Christopher T., University of New Hampshire junior
The family of an alcoholic experiences many difficulties. In order
to deal with these difficulties, many alcoholic families develop very
similar behavior patterns or unspoken rules, “Don’t talk,
don’t feel, don’t trust.” These patterns are coping
mechanisms for an impossible situation:
- Don’t talk to anyone about our problem. Don’t
embarrass the family. We are the only ones with this problem. Don’t
tell your teacher, a counselor or even your friends. Later in life,
adult children of alcoholics tend to have difficulty communicating
within relationships.
- Don’t feel, because your feelings will
just get squashed. Why get excited over my birthday, Mom will just
get drunk and ruin the party. If I cry they tell me to stop crying
and grow up.
- Don’t trust Dad. He always says he’ll
show up at the game but usually ends up in the bar. Serious mistrust
of others can follow the child of an alcoholic into adulthood.
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Results
“Intimate
relationships have always been difficult for me. Even though my current
boyfriend and I are somewhat successful, there are problems with our
intimacy and communication. Just about every person I have been involved
with has some serious dysfunction in their family.”
Jennifer N., St. Michael’s College
“I know I am always looking for approval but when
I get it I can’t accept it.”
Anonymous
“I never have any real fun like my friends.”
Anonymous
“I wonder if
my father would be a more feeling person if he quit drinking. My house
is very cold and I don’t mean the weather kind of cold. Because
of this coldness we are all that way even outside of our home. It
is really kind of sad.”
Anonymous
The pain associated with growing up in an alcoholic family can have
serious deleterious effects on an individual even into adulthood.
Many of your peers are arriving at college with more “baggage”
than is apparent. They may have difficulty confiding in you even though
you consider yourself a close friend. Maybe they will jump from one
bed to another searching for a meaningful relationship through a variety
of meaningless sexual encounters. Maybe they will drown their fears
and pain in alcohol and other drugs. Maybe they will take the time
and make the effort to grow while in college despite their past difficulties.
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Growth
“Lately I have been wondering how being
the child of an alcoholic has affected me. I’ve been unhappy
with myself for certain personality characteristics of mine that make
my life complicated. I hope that some day I have the time and courage
to evaluate the situation and do something about it.”
Anonymous
“My mom comes
from an alcoholic family. It was tough for her but she turned out
great! She’s successful and one of the best moms I know. It can
be a lot of heartache but it’s not hopeless.”
Karla N., Keene State College
“I have accepted my father for what he was. He probably did the
best he could. I do not need to accept his behavior nor create any
more pain for myself. I am now free of his influence.”
Anonymous
“Trusting others begins with trusting myself. That’s easier
said than done.”
Anonymous
“It was difficult
for a long time to know who was actually my father, the man who was
loving and caring or the man who was so abusive and at times dangerous.
Finally he got a lot of help and went through therapy and now, with
medication and counseling he is the father I never knew. Sure it has
caused me some problems but I’m working them out.”
Anonymous
Yes, if you are the child of an alcoholic, your family
life may have been difficult, perhaps excruciating. Yes, maybe those
difficulties are still affecting you today. And yes, you can do something
about it. It is important to realize that you can “turn the page”
on that part of your life. You can now take control of your life and
cease being a victim. As a matter of fact, now may be a great time
to confront these issues.
Of course, this is easier said than done. Get help. Join a support
group. Speak to a counselor. Talk to a friend. It’s never too
late. Sure it takes courage, but what have you got to lose? Don’t
have the time? Do you have time to continue being miserable? I think
not! You have a whole life ahead of you, and you deserve the best.
Take the time to work on yourself. Don’t escape into the black
hole of alcohol or other drugs. Don’t hide behind a beer mask,
a fake smile, or an arrogant attitude. Find out who you are and be
true to yourself. Sure life is difficult, but with a little help from
a counselor, a support group and/or your friends, it can also be wonderful.
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Risks
“It’s odd how each of
us reacted differently to my father’s drinking. My brother is
an alcoholic. My sister never drinks. My oldest sister had a serious
problem with bed wetting. Right now I drink a lot but believe I have
it under control.”
Anonymous
“The reason all this concerns me so much is that my father is
an alcoholic as is a good portion of his side of the family. I wonder
how that will affect me and my children.”
Mary O., Notre Dame College senior
So, is alcoholism genetic? The jury is still out on
that one. However, we do know that the child of an alcoholic is at
greater risk for developing alcoholism—four times greater! This
increased risk, sometimes described as a predisposition to alcoholism,
is the result of a number of factors including:
Biological risk level:
Just as we inherit a certain likelihood of heart disease, we are all
born with some biological level of risk for alcoholism. And for some
of us, that risk is increased. Those of us with a biological history
of alcoholism in our family are at greater biological risk for alcoholism.
Biological response:
Research on brain-wave patterns of children of alcoholics (COAs) following
alcohol consumption indicates a greater relaxation effect from the
alcohol. The startle reflex of the COA is slower after alcohol consumption.
This seems to reflect a more pleasurable response from alcohol.
Initial tolerance:
COAs tend to have high initial tolerance to alcohol. This combined
with a lower trigger level for alcoholism indicates that the COA does
not have as many opportunities to drink to impairment before increasing
the tolerance so much that it goes beyond the trigger level for alcoholism.52
Metabolism: A by-product of the metabolism of alcohol is acetaldehyde.
Acetaldehyde is thought to be involved in some way with addiction.
When COAs metabolize alcohol there are increased levels of acetaldehyde.
So here’s the trap for children of alcoholics. They are born
with a greater biological risk for alcoholism. They are usually born
with a high tolerance, meaning they are getting a head start on the
development of alcoholism. When they drink, it feels very pleasurable
but they are also producing an increased level of a product, acetaldehyde,
that is possibly linked to addiction. Children of alcoholics may think
they have it under complete control—but do they? None of us can
control our biological response to alcohol.
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